Two Steps Forward, One Step Back (graphic pics)

No, that’s not the Paula Abdul song. It’s just my life right now.

Steps forward – I’m at my office right now, and I’m wearing real clothes (not sweats)! I drove here (50+ miles) and now I’m sitting at my desk waiting to meet my students (I’ll be taking over the class after next week’s spring break). If I get through the hours of meetings and workshops I have today and then the drive home, I’ll have definitely made some forward steps.

Unfortunately, I stepped backwards a bit last night. My left breast has looked a bit strange since the first day after surgery. It has sort of a dented appearance in the pseudo-areola:

You can see that while the right side has a smooth scar where the skin met perfectly, the left side sort of overlaps, so it looks like it’s dented. That dent is much better than it looked the first week, when it was really swollen. But it’s still not seamless like the other side. And, during my nightly inspection last night, I noticed a bit of guck on that “areola”; when I went to get it off, I noticed that what’s under that overlap of skin is actually an open incision:

Open Incision on Left Breast (photo is reversed – hand is actually on the left side of the pseudo-areola

It’s not really terrible looking in the picture. In person though, it looks really hollow and open in there. I don’t know how long it will take for that to close up. I stuffed it with Neosporin, hoping to quicken the healing process. This morning I didn’t actually have time to check it before heading to work. It does mean no more swimming – I can’t go into a pool knowing I have open wounds. I’m going to give it a week – if it doesn’t close up, then I’ll ask Dr. Gimbel if he needs to see it.

Sex after DIEP?

Not that I even want to have sex. I mean, I can’t really imagine that much activity, pressure, weight on my body, etc. But I did find myself wondering today – even if I wanted to, am I allowed to? I feel like I’ve bothered Dr. Gimbel enough for this week, so I googled the question instead. I came up with this great list of when one can resume activities after DIEP. “Intercourse” (chuckle chuckle) is listed at ten-twelve weeks.

Of course, this probably has more to do with how an individual is healing. This list says I should wait three more weeks before swimming (which my dr already approved) and nine more weeks before lifting over 25 pounds (my son is 26 pounds, and my dr said I can start lifting him in three more weeks).

I’m gonna go with this list for the sex thing though. My husband’s not rushing me or anything, but I definitely feel a little less guilty knowing there’s a publication that says we can’t even if we want to!

First Swim

What a relief! I got into the pool for the first time today. The water was the perfect temperature, and I had a nice easy workout. I was able to do my two favorite strokes – breast and back, with no trouble. I just took it slowly. During backstroke, I did occasionally feel some twinges under my right arm from the SNB, but it was easy to keep going through it. After, I felt really relaxed, refreshed, and happy that I had done something good for my body (more than just a mile stroll in my neighborhood).

Of course, there was the locker room. I wore my bathing suit to the gym, which is what I always do (I shower and put on regular undergarments after my swim). When I took off my clothes, I looked pretty much the same as I previously had in a bathing suit. You can sort of see the drop off of my stomach, but it’s mostly smoothed out by the suit. And, my breasts look even better – first of all, they’re not as saggy or big, so they don’t look completely smooshed and flattened into the shelf bra of the bathing suit. Secondly, no nipples pointing out (which used to be a problem because I swear that locker room is only about 60 degrees)! So overall, I was feeling pretty confident in my suit.

It was when I got out of the pool that I began to think about getting naked in the locker room. Now, I’m guessing that like me, most women do a pretty good job of not staring at other women and just concentrating on getting themselves dressed. But I think even out of the corner of someone’s eye, I might be a little grotesque. While I think my abdominal scar is looking great, it’d be pretty horrific to someone seeing it for the first time and with no idea of what it is. Same with my nippleless scarred boobs. And the most embarrassing thing of all – I was going to put on those granny panties in front of other people! Oy.

As I got out of the shower though and headed toward the dressing area, I began to feel less embarrassed and more sort of proud. I mean, I walk around on the street fully clothed and no one knows what I’ve been through in order to get out of my house and just walk a few feet. At the gym, people can tell by looking at my naked body that I’ve been through something rough – and I was proud of myself for finally being at the gym (although I’d have been prouder if I’d been allowed to go two weeks ago!). I also had a realization – what if someone saw me and thought, “Yikes -she must have had breast cancer. That reminds me; I need to make an appt for my mammogram.” Yes! My body all by itself is advocacy!

Doctor Visit

Yesterday I called Dr. Gimbel’s office and he was able to see me this morning. When I checked the bandage over the blister last night, it was still gooey. Of course, when I woke up this morning, it was miraculously gone. I decided to go to the appointment anyway, since I’d read a lot about these sorts of things going away and then returning.

He looked at the place and agreed with his initial diagnosis – the yellow ooze was fat necrosis coming from an area caused by a spitting stitch. In fact, he noticed a second one near the first one (I thought I had too, but then I thought it might be an indentation from the bandage on the first one). While I had his attention, I asked him to look at the pucker spot on the bottom of my left breast. He said that it’s healed fine – I feel it because I still have sensation in that area, and I’d probably feel more of that stinging if I had sensation anywhere else along the incisions on my breasts. And, because everything is healed fine – I can go swimming! I unfroze my gym membership and will be hitting the pool tomorrow!

I’ve also realized that I have a crush on Dr. Gimbel. Maybe it’s because he really helped me. But more I think it’s because he’s just kind of cute. I’ve googled his address (he lives only blocks away from me), today at the office I tried to figure out which car might be his in the physician parking area (I’m guessing it was either the Audi or the BMW – the Mercedes seemed a bit old), and I giggled a lot during the appointment and felt too self-conscious to make eye contact. I probably sound psycho, but don’t worry; I’m not going knocking at his door any time soon. I didn’t even bother to brush my hair before I went to the appointment, and I wore my sweats. There’s something about him I just find to be fascinating.

FORCE Study on Breast Screening

FORCE has a new survey which will help guide our development of programs for high-risk women undergoing breast screening. The purpose of this survey is to better understand and characterize the needs of this section of our community. The survey is open to survivors and previvors who have not undergone bilateral mastectomy. Women with BRCA, other mutation that increases risk for breast cancer or high-risk women with family history and no known mutation are eligible.

https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/BC3W56Z