Surgery Prep Day 1

Well, I now have five days to prepare for my surgery when I thought I would have 40-something. After getting over the shock of learning that my surgery is on Monday, I began to get in gear to reschedule my entire life. Again, my boss was wonderful. My son’s daycare was wonderful – he is usually home with me on Fridays, but they said they’d keep him on Fridays for the next six weeks for free! I dropped off my sick leave paper work with Dr. Gimbel. I emailed some colleagues to reschedule meetings and such until after our spring break – March 25, when I will return to work. And then, once I sort of relaxed, I started to really think about it – why did they reschedule this surgery? It seemed sort of strange. I emailed the plastic surgeon:

Hi Dr. Gimbel-

I’m sorry to bother you again via email, but now that the surgery is scheduled for Monday, I have some questions I’m hoping you can answer.

1) Will my mother be permitted to sleep in the room with me the first night? She would like to do that if possible. Will they have a cot or something available?

2) Does the hospital provide any sort of belt or pockets for the drains? I’ve seen these online and I’m unsure if I should order them or if they are provided.

3) Was my surgery date changed because my case is more serious than Dr. Ahrendt thought? I only spoke with Diane and I didn’t really think to ask her why the date was changed.

Thanks,

Within a few hours, he responded:

Hi, I’ll answer your questions in red.

1) Will my mother be permitted to sleep in the room with me the first night? She would like to do that if possible. Will they have a cot or something available?
Different facilities have different policies. You will be staying on Unit 5800. I recommend you call the Magee operator (641-1000), ask to speak to the 5800 charge nurse, and ask the nurse your specific questions and requests.

2) Does the hospital provide any sort of belt or pockets for the drains? I’ve seen these online and I’m unsure if I should order them or if they are provided.
Your drains will be clipped to your abdominal binder so they don’t hang. No bra, so no pockets.

3) Was my surgery date changed because my case is more serious than Dr. Ahrendt thought? I only spoke with Diane and I didn’t really think to ask her why the date was changed.
Your date was changed because the original date in early March was felt to be too far away (we try hard to get everyone treated by about 4 wks after seeing the plastic surgeon). So we made some room for you on Jan 28. Dr Ahrendt is performing a surgery in a different room at 7:30a, so I’ll start your surgery and she will come in to do her part after she is done with her first case (9:30a or so). This arrangement may add 30-60 minutes to your operation, but was felt to be a safer alternative to making you wait until March. We occasionally do it this way when OR availability is tight, and have not had any problems. Are you OK with this arrangement?

MLG

Well, this was a relief, of sorts. So, they did feel it was somewhat urgent, but it wasn’t like they suddenly realized things were worse than they thought.

I did call the charge nurse, and she said I will have a private room with a small couch that pulls out into a bed. My mother is thrilled. She really wants to spend the first night with me so I’m not alone, and I am glad she will be there!

Regardless of what he said about the drain belt, I ordered this one anyway. Everything I read says I’ll need it in the shower, and I might not have the abdominal binder (whatever that is) at that point. I also ordered a supportive pillow with arm rests and a medical tray table. I think this will be useful as I move between the bedroom and the living room with my laptop, books, phone, beverage, etc. And I can hopefully sell it on craigslist when I’m finished with it (or keep it for breakfasts in bed on Mother’s Day as my son gets older!).

This evening, I read most of the resource binder I was given by the breast surgeon. Tomorrow, I continue surgery prep. This means writing a DNR and Power of Attorney, filling out some pre-op forms online, and visiting my PCP for a pre-surgery physical and blood work. I will also continue my quest for button-down pajamas (after failing at Target this morning).

Surgery Rescheduled for MONDAY!

A few hours ago, my doctor’s secretary called to say my surgery could be rescheduled for Monday. When I asked if I could think about this for a little while, she basically said “no.” So there it is – she put it in the book officially. Six days.

I’m not exactly sure I understood the reason. Something about the doctors having another case they were able to switch. But I’m not sure why suddenly they decided my case was so urgent. While I’m really nervous though that this is happening so soon, perhaps having less time to dwell on it will be better. And, the cancer will be gone that much sooner.

Luckily, I also haven’t really had enough time for my “to do before surgery” list to get that long. The real highlight – pajama shopping!

Dean’s Email

As I’ve said, I just began a tenure-track position at a university near Pittsburgh; tenure-track positions are hard to come by, and I am so lucky that I have one. It’s a lot to ask in only my second semester to take 3/4 of the semester off. It puts my Chair in a hard position – he has to get coverage for the courses pretty quickly, and he has to pay people to take over. This costs money and time. I’m really appreciative of how supportive they’ve been after only knowing me for less than six months.

What a relief when, this morning, I received this lovely email from my college Dean:

Hello ***,

You wrote:  “Thank you so much for being so understanding and flexible.  I know this is a lot to ask in my second semester here.  I hope my work ethic demonstrated in the fall is enough to show you that I will continue to fulfill my commitment to the university when I return.”

Please know that our chief concern at this point is your state of mind, and then a successful surgery and recovery.  You have chosen an employer who offers excellent sick-leave and health care benefits.  These are enough to take care of you, and to cover for you while you are indisposed.  If you think of any problems you would need our help with, please be sure to let us know.  We would do the best we can to support you.

And, for the record yes, you have demonstrated a terrific work ethic, and please do not be concerned about how WE would cope with things in your absence.  It’s really the other way around.  And please be assured that we will keep your health status confidential.

sincerely yours,
***

I am fortunate to work in such a generous community. I know many people do not have that luxury.

Reality Bites and the Afterlife

My bff and I love the movie Reality Bites. Sometimes, I imagine us having this conversation; I am the Janeane Garofalo character talking about breast cancer:

Now, I know I am not alone – far from it. But the big BC is now something I think about every second of every day (whereas between the time of my BRCA2+ diagnosis and my DCIS diagnosis, I only thought about it once or twice a day). And, I have to disclose that I’ve been thinking about death a lot lately. I’m not worried that cancer is going to kill me – at least, not this current cancer. But I am very worried about 10-12 hours of anesthesia.

This morning, my therapist and I talked about death, my fear of not waking up from the 10+ hour surgery, and my conflict over signing a DNR. Six years ago, before my husband and son, I would have had no problems signing a DNR. I would have been much less nervous about not waking up from surgery; in fact, the thought would probably not have even entered my mind. Now, I’m not so sure I want to sign a DNR. I want the doctors to keep me alive – what if I wake up and can start having a life again with my son and husband?

I’m reminded of a friend who told me about a moment before her mother’s death. Her mother was about to undergo brain surgery for a tumor that was supposed to be fairly easily fixable. As they said good-bye to her as she was wheeled out on the bed to surgery, her mother began to cry and scream – she didn’t want to go. She was terrified. Sadly, it turned out she had a right to be so. She did not wake up from that surgery (although it had nothing to do with the anesthesia).

I can see her in my head screaming as she’s taken down the hall. My therapist said it was because she hadn’t accepted the idea of death. I can see myself like that in a hospital, crying and screaming like a lunatic. Because now, unlike six years ago, I have a lot to live for and I am terrified of never seeing my boys again. How do you accept death when you love your life? I imagine my friend’s mother felt the same way.

I also told him about my ER debacle last week. I’m worried that maybe something did happen to my heart or lungs that the doctors weren’t able to see, but it could affect me under anesthesia.

My therapist talked about accepting death and suggested we start talking about death and various ideas of the afterlife. He said that many people who have ‘died’ and been brought back relay the same experience – an overwhelming feeling of calm and love, being welcomed by loved ones already ‘there.’ I just don’t buy it though – I feel like I will spend the rest of my eternity sad and alone – there is no one ‘there’ who I’d rather be with than the people here! I said that I already know that my husband and son will be taken care of if I die – I’m not worried about them – I know they’ll be sad, but they will be fine. Really, I’m more worried about myself and how I will feel after dying – if that makes any sense – I will be so sad to leave this life.

Eventually, he asked what it would take, what would I need to know, in order to accept death as a possibility. I said that I would need to know that if it happens, if I die on that operating table, that I’m not stuck for the rest of my eternal days suffering from missing my child and husband. And unfortunately, I don’t think there’s anyone who can confirm that this will be the case.

Reading Material

If you know me, you know I am obsessively organized. For the last few weeks, I’ve been carrying around a purple folder – it has any slip of paper given to me by any doctor I’ve seen.

In the front of it, where I can see it through the folder, is a piece of card stock with the business card of all of my doctors in it.

Well, it’s looking like I can probably put the folder to rest. At my appointment yesterday with Dr Ahrendt, she gave me an entire binder of materials.

This thing is huge – it has 15 tabs full of information, along with two DVDs and several other brochures stuffed in the front pockets.

I know it’s meant to help, but it’s definitely making this seem more overwhelming than it already was.