Free the Ladies

When I was a freshman in college, I lived in a co-ed dorm. It was 21 floors – the first 10 or so were for males, the rest were for gals. I somehow hooked up with this group of guys who lived on the sixth floor – my friend Carrie and I spent almost all of our time in their room. I didn’t go to class much then, so basically, if I was awake, I was in their room. We smoked, drank beer, but mostly just laid around chatting. I remember a night when somehow the conversation turned to girls with saggy boobs. One guy said, “You can tell a girl’s tits are too saggy if she can hold a pencil under them.”

Needless to say, that night I went right up to my own room (on the 17th floor) to see if I could indeed hold a pencil between my boob and my rib cage. To my horror, I realized I could probably hold several pencils under there! Even more horrific, I thought about how much of the time I spent not wearing a bra. I wore one out and to classes, but almost never to the guys’ room on the 6th floor. I thought we were just having one big pajama party! – I would wear scrappy t-shirts and old sweat pants, certainly not a bra. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t actually talking about me when he made the comment, but it stuck with me from that moment on. I was 17 years old and I had saggy breasts.

Flash forward to today, almost 20 years later – these saggy gals of mine have only three more days in this world. I won’t say I’ve come to love them or be proud of them – that’s not true. If anything, they’ve continually caused me embarrassment, like in situations when I’ve shared a hotel room or slept over at a friend’s house and we sat around in our pajamas, or when I go to my in-laws’ and we’re in pajamas in the morning having breakfast. It seems weird to put a bra on for breakfast, so I spend most of the morning with my arms crossed over my chest. I feel a bit more liberty now that I’ve had a baby, like they’re justifiably saggy, even though they haven’t become more or less so since giving birth. And I didn’t breastfeed, so they have never served the practical purpose they were meant to.

Nonetheless, I feel they deserve some celebration. So I’ve gone braless the last few days, even though I’ve done numerous errands around town, gone to doctors appointments, etc. The fact that it’s about 10 degrees out helps cover the sagginess – I’m mostly wearing many layers of shirts under baggy sweatshirts and a big parka. But even if they’re not being seen, I think they deserve their freedom in these last few days. I won’t wear a bra again until after the surgery.

Fundraising

The response to my fundraising page has been overwhelming. My husband in particular is stunned – people he went to kindergarten with and hasn’t spoken to since then are donating. People I only have a vague relationship with through other friends or through Facebook have been giving. I’m am just so thankful that so many people feel that FORCE is a worthy cause.

In less than a week, I’m only $140 from my goal of $2013. I just spent $100 on personalized thank you notes so we can send them to everyone who’s donated and to the lots of people who’ve already offered to bring meals to us while I’m recovering. We are really so lucky to have so many people who are supporting us through this.

Surgery Prep Day 3

Today seemed busy even though I didn’t do all that much. I did about a hundred loads of laundry, just trying to make sure everything is as clean as possible before I head to the hospital. I spent the morning at three different stores looking for pajamas – I was rewarded for my persistence though. I hit the PJ Jackpot at Macy’s – I got three $60 pajama sets for $7 each! Amazing. I’m glad because I didn’t want to spend a lot of money on these if I’m not sure how long I’ll be wearing them anyway, or if they might get ruined in the hospital.

I started packing my hospital bag. So far, I have the pajamas, the robe, underwear, toiletry bag (I just took this from my gym bag, already packed and ready to go!), some comfy chenille socks, resource binder, and my purple file folder of documents. I think the only things that need to go in there now are my laptop, phone charger, and meds (even though they’ll give me my meds there, I like to have my own – it was much easier when I was in the hospital after my c-section because they didn’t always remember to bring me my anti-depressant). My mom is getting me some new slippers – yay!

I also spent some time tying some lose ends at work. Thank god my department has wonderful secretaries who are so helpful – they are really accommodating me in so many ways.

At around 12:30, my son’s school called. He wasn’t feeling well, so I picked him up and brought him home. He fell right asleep in his crib, so I thought I’d take the time to try some of the relaxation guided imagery recommended by my therapist. I think it was helpful in preparing me a bit for what to expect – it helps you to simultaneously visualize yourself in a happy place (I think of myself at a lake like the one my husband and I liked to go to in Vermont) and in the surgery room. So you are sort of in your happy place while you watch yourself in the hospital room. Of course, I had some trouble concentrating – my mind wandered to other things I could be doing or just other thoughts in general. But I will definitely do it again every day until Monday, and then I will also listen to it in the pre-op area.

In the afternoon, the hospital called to do some pre-registration. Once again, they ask questions like weight, height, and medications I take – even though it was clear she had a list of this right in front of her. I guess they just have to confirm all of this over and over to make sure they don’t miss anything. But it’s annoying.

Also, I went onto the HealthTrak system, where now all of my cancer-related information is listed – the biopsy results, mammogram findings, MRI results, etc. Even though I don’t know what most of it says, it’s interesting to look at it. Of course, I just end up scaring myself by googling the terms and finding out stuff I don’t want to know.

Surgery Prep Day 2 (graphic picture below)

Today was busy. I began by announcing my BC on Facebook. I went back and forth about whether or not to do this, mostly because it just seemed tacky. But, I really do want to educate people about BRCA and HBOC, and Facebook is an easy way to do it. Already many of my friends have posted words of support, but more importantly they’ve shared the information on their own Facebook profiles, along with a link to FORCE and my fundraising page (which has amazingly reached 60% of my goal in only a week!).

I spent the rest of the morning drafting an advanced directive (DNR). What a sad thing to do. I cried the whole time I was in the shower this morning just thinking about what it should say. I printed a draft to bring to my PCP appt later in the afternoon.

To reward myself for a miserable morning, I headed out pajama shopping. Much more success this morning at a different Target (after stops at TJ Max and Marshall’s). I got three pairs of button down pjs that were more money than I wanted to spend, but I also got a fuzzy lined robe for $6! I keep imagining I’m going to be freezing in the hospital (probably because we’re in the middle of some kind of Arctic freeze around here). Unfortunately, I brought them home and they don’t fit. I was really wasn’t sure what size to get. I mean, I’m going to be a bit smaller, but not so much smaller. And I will be swollen, so I won’t want any clothes that are going to be too tight. So I guessed at a size that looked about right, and I guessed wrong. They will go back tomorrow and the quest will continue.

While out shopping, I spoke to a reporter about my story. Several years ago, I was interviewed for a local newspaper about my BRCA status: here is the story. When I was diagnosed with BC earlier in the month, I contacted the reporter to see if she’d be willing to do a follow-up piece. I want to spread the word about early detection and this is a good way to do it. She was very interested, and in fact was already working on a piece about a panel on HBOC that will be happening next week at the synagogue where my son goes to school (I was planning to attend, but I’ll probably still be in bed at that point). Anyway, the reporter called me while I was out shopping. It felt good to be able to give her lots of information about BRCA and I hope the article helps to spread the word around our primarily Jewish community.

Later in the afternoon, I met with my PCP to have my pre-op paperwork signed. While in the waiting room, I looked at pictures of post DIEP procedures to get an idea of what I might look like. I am a small framed person, but I am quite overweight. So I know I’m not going to have a completely flat belly when this is over. I’ll also still have my wide ass and flabby arms to deal with. But I found this picture and I think it accurately portrays what I look like now, along with what I might look like later.

Because I have body dysmorphic disorder, it’s hard for me to tell if this accurately represents what I look like (I’d just post pictures of myself, but I know my husband would prefer I not put my breasts on the internet, and I respect that). I showed this picture to my PCP, and she said that it mostly does look like my body (although my current breasts are symmetrical, unlike this faceless woman above). My breasts should be smaller than hers too when the surgery is over – I’ve asked to go from a DD to a C cup.

My PCP also says I’m good to go for surgery. She also mentioned that she had breast cancer three years ago, and she had implant reconstruction. She told me about her nipple tattooing and asked if I wanted to see. I had to admit, I did! The tattoos were really realistic looking. She did have to go to Baltimore to get them – apparently, she met with Dr Gimbel too, and he said no one around here does a great job. Guess I’ll deal with that down the line. I also asked her to look at my Advanced Directive (DNR) draft, and she helped me to clarify some of the medical information I included that didn’t really make sense.

So, a busy day.  Four more days to get ready.  I’m also going to start listening to the pre-surgery guided imagery mp3s I downloaded, as recommended by my therapist.  While a major part of me says I need to go-go-go for the next few days and get lots done, another part says I need to spend some time relaxing and focusing my energy on keeping my body well and preparing for healing.

No flu for you!

I’m at my PCP’s office for my pre-op physical attempting not to get the flu, despite the hundreds of signs all over this place with warnings about it. People really are looking at me funny. I really should get my eyebrows waxed before Monday!