Four Weeks

It’s been four weeks since my surgery. Honestly, I would not have predicted that I’d feel this good now based on how I felt the first two weeks. Here are my thoughts on the last four weeks:

One thing that’s really helped is the type of surgery I chose. Even though DIEP is a hard recovery early on, once you start to feel better, you’re better! It doesn’t go on and on for months of discomfort and pain like implants (my mother-in-law was in pain for eight months until her implant exchange surgery!). It’s just over once you’re healed. And, skin-saving is definitely the way to go, if you can. I have not once yet had an emotional reaction to ‘losing’ my breasts. When I look down, I see my own skin – the same freckles, the same marks, the same one little spot on the right where every now and then a rogue hair grows. Even though they’re shaped differently, they still seem like my breasts.

I’ve pretty much resumed all of my around the house activities except laundry (I fold and put away, but I don’t go down to the machines or carry any baskets), vacuuming, and anything that requires picking up my son. I will be allowed to resume those activities in six more weeks. Otherwise, I walk around, reach things, bend over, and take care of the house as normal.

I finally let my husband feel my breasts. They’re a bit sore still, so he was very gentle. But even he was surprised by how natural they feel. And, he has agreed that it’s fine if I forgo stage two surgery. At this point, I am still not excited about the idea of more surgery. So, if he agrees that nipples are not important, then I might just forgo that entire process. I will need a hysterectomy in the near future, and that might be all the surgery I have energy for.

I’ve been able to sleep a bit on my side the last few nights. I don’t know if I’m allowed to be doing this (blood flow to the flap could be compromised, I guess, although I don’t know how long I have to be concerned about that), but I think comfort is important and it felt great! I’m not completely on my side. More like on my back with my knees and shoulders pointed to the side. Even this little bit has helped.

I only have to wear the binder until Thursday. On the one hand, it will be a relief to have that tightness gone, the itchiness, the little bites from the velcro on my skin. On the other hand, I do feel like it protects me by keeping everything together, keeping my clothes off the skin that’s still delicate (in particular, my belly button). I think it will be a good thing though overall – with all the tape and glue gone, it’s really the last reminder that I’ve even had surgery.

I’m still not back at work, but I think I could be if I had an easy office job that was close to my house. Unfortunately, I have a fast-paced high-energy job that is over an hour commute from where I live. I’ve been granted paid leave through March 25, and I think I will just plan to use that time to my advantage and work ahead a bit for my return to work. I don’t think I have the stamina anyway to have a full eight hour day of teaching and meetings, bookended by a 75 minute drive.

Today I drove for the first time. Some things I did not anticipate: lifting/pulling the garage door open/closed (I am rather certain the garage door is beyond my 10lb lifting/pulling limit). Also, closing the hatchback on my car – I could only reach it with my left arm (although this is typical for me, since my right arm is where I had the SNB and I still can’t extend it all the way) and I’m also sure it’s beyond my 10lb pulling allowance. It was a bit difficult to turn to check my blind spots while driving – not impossible though. Really, I just felt a bit of a strain in my breasts when I turned – nothing painful, just a small twinge. Otherwise, I felt perfectly confident and capable driving, especially now that getting in and out of the car is as easy as it was pre-surgery.

While out, I purchased a belt. I don’t think I’ve worn a belt since middle school when it was fashionable to wear one around an oversized sweatshirt. I can’t stand belts, and I’m sure many overweight women would agree – they feel constraining, dig into any extra skin or flab that’s coming over the pants waistline. But, now that all of that flab is gone, my pants are not staying up. I do still have flab, but it’s flatter and is more in the area below my breasts and above my navel. Over the weekend, I wore a pair of cords and a pair of jeans. Both were completely falling off. The problem is that I don’t think a smaller size pants will actually fit over my ass and thighs. So I think a belt is my only real solution, at least for now until maybe I can lose some weight. I get to start swimming again next week, so that might also help to make things a bit smoother all around.

Getting Better All the Time

Today was another great day out and about. We walked a few blocks to the post office and then another to the library to take our son to story time. I was thrilled that I could sit on the floor and have him sit on my lap to enjoy the stories. After, we stopped for lunch, and I felt perfectly comfortable physically and energy-wise. When we got home, all three of us took naps (this is typical for our Saturday afternoon anyway!), and then we had dinner with my parents. Throughout the day, I felt really normal. I’m not crazy itchy anymore, and the binder actually makes me feel protected when wearing regular pants (with buttons and zippers that I’m worried could irritate my incision or belly button). In my pre-surgery life, I wore sweatpants and a hoodie any day I didn’t go to work. Since the surgery, I have worn that pretty much every day. I’m shocked to say that I have been excited to put on some other clothes. My pants do fit strangely (still fitting in the ass and thighs, but completely falling off around the waist), but that will probably be a work in progress too as swelling goes down in my abdomen.

I am a bit nervous in a large crowd – mostly I just fear that someone will bump into me and knock into my breasts. They’re not actively sore, but every now and then I feel twinges. By the end of the day, I have that “god I can’t wait to take off this bra” feeling, even if I’m not wearing a bra (although I do almost every day since the dr told me to). I often have a feeling like the ends of the underwire are poking me under my arms, even if I’m not wearing an underwire bra or bra at all – I think it’s probably just pulling and things continuing to settle in there.

But mostly, I’m just glad to interact with people out in the real world – three weeks probably doesn’t seem like a lot, but it can get depressing. I even ordered a drink at dinner tonight – I figured there’s no reason not to; I’m not on any pain medication any more. I do want to continue to watch my weight (and I realize that a margarita is not the best way to do that), but I think that while I’m still recovering and am sort of delicate emotionally, I also need to balance dieting with doing things I normally do (like ordering dessert!). I have lost some additional weight since the surgery, mostly because my appetite is just not what it used to be. So I’m still eating regular food, just in smaller portions (like, 3/4 of a cheeseburger!). Total, I am down 20 pounds since the surgery (of course, 16 came off in the surgery).

On Monday, I plan to start driving again. Dr Gimbel said I could when I felt up to it, and I do. I have three small errands to do all in one shopping center that’s only about ten miles from my house. It should be a manageable trip. It will also be nice to stop relying on my mother and husband to get all of our errands done. As long as I’m not doing any heavy lifting, I can certainly run out to get milk or get my son some socks.

Human Again!

I did it! I left the house, I walked three blocks, I did two errands, I ate lunch at a restaurant. I did all this wearing neither sweatpants nor hoodie. A little sore, but totally worth it to feel the fresh air. I AM HUMAN AGAIN!

Response to concerns

I emailed Dr Gimbel with some concerns last night. Of course, he got back to me almost immediately!

Here were my concerns and his responses:

1) Can I resume taking my methotrexate (for RA): YES
2) When can I resume swimming: TWO MORE WEEKS, AS LONG AS ALL INCISIONS ARE SEALED
3) When can I pick up my son: SIX MORE WEEKS
4) What is this lump in the top left quadrant of my left breast: IT’S THE EDGE OF THE FLAP THAT SOMETIMES CAN BECOME HARD BUT WILL SOFTEN OVER TIME. DEFINITELY NOT A TUMOR!

His responses were a bit more thorough than this, but this is the gist. So, I am feeling good about all but #3. I know I complain about this a lot, but it is so much harder than I thought it would be not to pick up my kid. And, I feel terrible that my mother has six more weeks of picking him up at school and staying with us until my husband gets home. I just worry about being alone with him if I can’t pick him up.

Today I am considering putting on a pair of jeans. I’m really curious to see how my pants fit (other than the drawstring sweats I’ve been wearing for almost four weeks).

Also, here is a FORCE thread I started about cup size. I can’t believe I’m fitting into my DD bra!