Today has not started off that well. Big fight with the hubs. No coffee, no food, no antidepressants- that’s not helping. Been teary since I woke up, worrying about what happens to my kid if I don’t come home from this surgery. Sure, I’m probably being dramatic. I don’t know how many people die while having minor breast reconstruction, but surely it’s not a lot of people.
I took my shower with antibacterial soap- one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard of. I understand they want me to be clean, but after my shower I usually spend at least five minutes sitting on my cat-covered bed playing with said cat, then probably a half hour playing with a two-year old who is anything but antibacterial. So I wonder how much affect a shower in Dial soap really has other than to make me itchy for the next few days.
We dropped off our son at school and I managed to hold it together while saying goodbye to him. He loves school so it made me feel good to leave him there. Much of the car ride to the hospital was in silence – only about a mile drive anyway.
And then, once we got out of the car, I lost it.
All I can ask myself is why? Why am I doing this? Previous two surgeries – life saving most likely. But this? Why am I risking not seeing my little boy again? Risking him being motherless? What sort of happiness am I hoping to gain from more symmetrical breasts and a flatter stomach?
I feel like I was sort of suckered into this by all of the research I’ve done. If you have DIEP, then there’s always a stage 2 surgery. Always? I can’t think of anyone I know who hasn’t had a second one. All of the doctors talk about stage 2 before you’ve even had stage 1! Does no one come out of stage 1 happy with what they have? I’ve had it in my head since January that I’d be having stage 2. I don’t even think I stopped to really consider if I wanted it (this is probably not the best time to start that thought process).
So I’m laying on this pre-op gurney, definitely making it all germy by using me cell phone to write this blog post (but hey, good thing I took that antibacterial shower!). And I’m wondering if I actually have the guts to back out of this. Would I regret not doing it? Or do I have the guts to go though with it? I don’t even know anymore.
Ugh- someone needs to just come knock me out already.