My Other Personality

Today is three weeks since I had all of my reproductive organs removed, thus the end of my hormone production.

The last week has been a bit like having a split personality disorder.  There is the normal me who hangs out with family, reads, writes, goes places, generally enjoys life (although is pretty well medicated on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds; but they work, I feel, to make me the person I could be if I didn’t have a brain chemistry defect).  Then, there is evil crazy bitch (ECB).  ECB has reared her ugly head four times in the last week or so.

Episode 1:
Toddler won’t go to sleep.  Husband and I argue a bit over how to get him to sleep.  He finally gets to sleep.  Husband says to me something about not yelling at him (husband) while trying to get toddler to sleep.  ECB shows up, screams profanity at husband, scares husband into leaving room, texts husband not to ever come back to room.  Husband sleeps on couch.  ECB/I sob for about an hour, then toss and turn all night feeling simultaneously sympathetic and furious toward husband.  I wake up as myself and we have a completely normal morning.

Episode 2:
Husband perceives that I say something to him in a not nice tone.  Husband says, “That wasn’t really a nice tone to say that in.”  ECB appears, screams profanity at husband, scares husband into moving as far over to the other side of king size bed where he hides until we both fall asleep.

Episode 3:
Mother tells me I am talking too loud on my cell phone while in the car on the way to Whole Foods.  ECB begins to scream at mother about years of criticizing.  Father cuts in and tell ECB and mom to stop.  ECB/I sob behind sunglasses while walking through Whole Foods, avoiding mother and father.  Silence in car on the way home from Whole Foods.  ECB/I sob for another hour or so alone at home.  I come out of bedroom as myself later to cook for the FORCE picnic we head to that afternoon.

Episode 4:
Husband and I take son to playground.  I criticize husband’s parenting in a rather mild way.  Husband walks away from me and son, sits on bench, pouts, and gives me silent treatment.  I ask husband what’s wrong.  He continue silent treatment.  ECB tells son that we’re leaving the playground now, storms off to the car leaving husband to collect confused toddler, sobs the whole way home, continues to sob for a half hour alone in bedroom, gets in car and goes to Starbucks to eat/drink copious amounts of chocolate.  I return home as myself about an hour later.

Seeing a pattern?  None of these are things that would normally upset me.  I mean, I’d be annoyed that my mom criticized me or that my husband was giving me the silent treatment, but I’d deal with it, usually by talking it through, and then it would be over in minutes.  These are episodes that last at minimum two hours, with uncontrollable sobbing (during which I think, “What have I done?  Why did I do this to myself?   What if I’m like this from now on…. forever?”).  And then, after I get ECB out of my system, I return to my normal self.  At that point, I usually agonize a bit – do I need to apologize for ECB?  Is ECB really my fault?  

I have an appointment with the hormone/menopause specialist, Dr Balk, on Wednesday.  My mother insisted I need help sooner than that  (a conversation that necessitated all of my power to restrain ECB) and I did just talk to the nurse.  Dr. Balk doesn’t see patients until Wednesday, but the nurse will call her to see if she thinks there’s anything we could start now.  Both the nurse and I seemed to agree that waiting until Wednesday so that I can have a full conversation with Dr Balk directly would be better.

Also, this morning there was a slight pink tinge on the toilet paper I used after I peed.  I’m not expecting that to be anything of any importance since I was told spotting could be normal, and that’s not even really spotting.  But, in the spirit of recording what’s going on, there you have it.  Pink TP.

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