Now that I’m physically able to do so much more, I feel like there’s a fine line between lazy and recovery. Most days, I do end up taking a nap in the afternoon. But I find myself wondering: do I really need a nap because my body is recovering and sleep would do it good? Or am I just avoiding my work? Or am I just sleepy because I don’t really do anything active during the day? It’s hard for me to tell sometimes. And I feel like I have all this time off, I need to be producing (articles, research, grant proposals, all sorts of stuff I could be doing now when I don’t have students to work with as well).
Today, after only two hours, I could not sit in my computer chair anymore. My back was just in too much pain. I wanted to push myself to build up my back muscles, but I just felt too defeated after a full week of trying to do that. So I decided to take my laptop to the couch where I could stretch out a bit and possibly get some work done more comfortably. I wasn’t on the couch for more than five minutes before I started yawning, and eventually I was asleep. When I woke up a few hours later, I was really annoyed with myself. Yet, I still feel tired, and I am certain I won’t have any trouble falling asleep tonight. So maybe I do just need the rest. The clock is ticking though – 24 days before I go back to work. I need to get my stamina back up before then, as well as my concentration and a whole lot of writing.
Shockingly, this morning I put on the abdominal binder, even though I was given permission by the dr to stop wearing it. I was sore last night after not wearing it – my stomach felt sore and uncomfortable. So I decided I’d wear it until I get my new Spanx, see how those feel, and maybe ease off of the compression by wearing it only a few days a week (I don’t think I can afford seven days worth of Spanx anyway, and I only have time to do laundry once a week once I’m back at work).
I’m also experiencing a strange stabbing pain in my right breast close to my sternum. It comes and goes. When I press on the spot, it’s sore. Today I’ve just noticed it every now and then – a stabbing for a few seconds and then it’s gone. I suppose this is going to happen now as swelling goes down, things shift and move. I’m surprised also by the amount of sensation I have in my breasts, since I read that many women have no sensation at all. It’s mostly on the inside close to my sternum and the underside of both breasts where I can feel if I touch the skin. The outer sides are completely numb – I can drag my fingernail across and not feel anything – same with the very center of each breast (which I hesitate to call an areola, but is circular and the same size as an areola would probably be; I will henceforth refer to them as pseudo-areolas). While for the first few weeks I had pain in my abdomen and none in my breasts, that seems to have switched now. I have soreness in my breasts, definitely by the end of the day and sometimes a bit throughout the day and if I squeeze them, and I hardly notice my abdominal incision anymore.
Something else I will discuss with my dr is a strange feeling I am having on the top of my right thigh. When I still had the drains in, I taped one of the drains to this spot to keep it from moving around and pulling. When I took the tape off, it was a bit painful (like that normally is), but I didn’t think anything of it. This was almost three weeks ago, and that spot still feels a bit numb and sore if I touch it. I wonder if it has to do with a severed nerve in my abdomen. I’m not sure I see how that could be connected, but it does seem strange that this random spot on my leg seems to have lost nerve sensation.