Surreality

Yesterday I decided not to see the second breast surgeon. I really liked the first one I met – Dr Ahrendt – so to save some time, I’m just going with her. I have an appt to meet with her on Friday and my husband and mom will come. I’m seeing the second plastic surgeon on Thursday. If she agrees with the first one, then I will be having the mastectomy and then either delayed reconstruction or no reconstruction. I will probably not bother to meet the third plastic surgeon, in that case.

I’ve started researching breast prosthetics. There’s a mastectomy boutique in a town not far from where I live – I will probably go there next weekend to see what they offer. I’ve posted a query to the FORCE message board to ask about brands of prosthetics. I know lots of people complain about them being heavy and hot (those are two of my complaints about my real boobs!), but I also know they’ve come a long way in terms of temperature control and materials.

All day, I can’t help looking at my reflection when I pass a window or mirror and try to imagine myself flat chested. Laying on the couch right now, I try to flatten out my boobs with my arms and see what it looks like, but it’s hard to really imagine.

It’s also really strange to think that I have cancer. I don’t feel any different.
We took our son to the zoo today, had dinner with my parents – all normal activities. And the whole time, I have cancer. Every day now, I’m walking around with cancer. It’s sort of surreal.

Today my husband and I also watched some videos provided by the plastic surgeons’ office. They describe the surgeries and what to expect. It wasn’t a lot that I didn’t know already, but I wanted my husband to see them. I know he’s not handling this as well as I am, so I think it’s good to make this as real as possible. He’s dealt with his sister with breast cancer and his mother twice – I know he’s very worried. He shouldn’t be though – my experience won’t be nearly as long and hard as theirs was because it’s almost definite that I won’t need any treatment.

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